A Healthier Alternative to Gwyneth

I'm gonna go make my Team Scarlett t-shirt now.

Skills

As I drive to work in the morning, I often see people out going for walks by the lake, jogging, biking, etc. (One lady in our neighborhood has a bunch of exercise videos, one of those yoga ball things, a picture window, a big screen TV, and great devotion to working out at 7 AM. What she lacks, however, are drapes.) 

Anyhow, as I look as these people, I often think that if it weren't for the fact that I have to go to work, I'd be spending glorious, morning hours engaging in these same healthy activities - except I'd have drapes, of course. 

Yes, I'd get up early, have a nutritious meal (eaten at a leisurely pace), read the paper in its entirety, and then slip into something spandex and head out to fill my lungs with the refreshing air of the sunrise hours. That's precisely what my life would look like if it weren't for the whole gainful employment thing bringin' me down. 

I started spring break with the ambition of slipping into such a life for one amazing week. (It should be noted that I start ALL spring breaks this way. And winter breaks. And summer vacation, for that matter.) I imagined myself starting my days with exercise and filling the remaining hours reading great books, tackling enormous home remodeling projects, and treating myself to the occasional well-earned nap. Things didn't really pan out that way, though. 

Now, as my break nears its end, I'm left to ask: What the hell did I DO all week? What did I accomplish? The best way I can think of to explain how I've wiled away the hours this week is by offering you a newly-updated edition of my slacker resume:

Resume of a Slacker

Objectives: to secure a position in which I can utilize my slacker skills, to continue to learn and grow as a slacker

Education:  

Master of Arts in Reality Television Viewing

Bravo! University

majors: Top Chef, Real Housewives, and Project Runway

minors: Millionaire Matchmaker and Make Me a Supermodel

(Additional coursework completed at hulu U.)

Bachelor of Arts in Magazine Reading

Conde Nast College

majors: Reading periodicals that encourage me to eat better, exercise, be smart, and self-actualize (Health, Mental Floss, and O) while eating salty, crunchy snacks and wiping fake cheese-covered hands on sofa cushions. 

minor: mindlessly reading blogs & online entertainment "news", particularly those pertaining to Gwyneth Paltrow and GOOP backlash

Bachelor of Science in Junk Food Preparation and Consumption

Minnesota Institute of Processed Meats and Cheeses

graduated summa cum laude

Career Highlights

•  Fell asleep during third episode of America's Next Top Model marathon after eating a hot dog and some brownies. Woke with face in puddle of drool on arm and shirt. Opted not to change into clean shirt.

•  Reacted to discovery of dog poop on family room floor by saying, "Well, I guess I don't need to take him out again for a few hours."

• Only changed out of pajama bottoms to drop daughter up at daycare at 7 AM and pick her up at 4 PM. Cursed societal demand that I put on pants when leaving the house.

• Brought bag containing "homework" reading assignment into the house on Wednesday. Have stepped over it repeatedly in the entryway every day since.

• Took pillow cases off bed to launder. Threw extra blanket over "naked" pillows to avoid hassle of re-casing them. Have slept like a baby that way since Thursday.

Specialized Knowledge and Training

•  Able to identify healthy bowel movement due to random channel-flip to Tyra Banks Show. (What WON'T that woman talk about?!)

•  Can turn toddler into Wonder Pets! addict with steady supply of DVD's, chicken nuggets, saltine crackers, and apple juice.  

•  Can kill two hours by creating own SNL Shorts Film Festival on hulu.

• Can kill even more time writing blog about what a slacker I am while avoiding laundry, dirty dishes, and homework. 

Surefire Signs That I'm Not the Slightest Bit Interested in What You're Saying

•  My vocabulary has all but disappeared, and the only things I'm saying are "Um, hmm" and "Oh" over and over at polite intervals.

•  I am completely avoiding eye contact. And not just in that cagey, looking-at-your-forehead way. I mean you're totally looking at the back of my head while I'm shuffling through papers on my desk or glancing out the window - as if looking for my getaway car to arrive.

•  If you do catch a glimpse of my face, you may notice that it's wearing an expression akin to that of a fox who's contemplating chewing off its own paw to escape from a trap.

•  I seem to be nodding an awful lot. Maybe a little too much even. And rarely in sync with what you're saying.

•  I'm trying SO hard not to roll my eyes at you that my face is starting to hurt.

•  When you ask me a question, I reply, "Huh?

• I'm subtly rocking from side to side and bobbing in time to the music I'm imagining in my head in a futile attempt to drown out your voice.

•  I back out the nearest door and close it when you're in the middle of a sentence.

It's a G Thang

Sure, she advocates drinking toxic quantities of castor oil and stands like a goofy school girl while showin' off her duds, but I think I just might be starting to respect Gwyneth Paltrow. 

HuffPo just announced that the Divine Ms G is going to be opening a gym. Part of the post shows video of her working out with her trainer. There's our girl, sweating up a storm with no make-up on. She even allows herself to be filmed doing the borderline-degrading "dog peeing on a fire hydrant" move to tone up her skinny ass. 

You know that scene when the Grinch feels his heart growing inside his chest as he hears the Who's singing? That's exactly how I felt about Gwyneth when I saw her being all human-like. 

I want more human celebrities. And I want them to do it like Gwyneth - voluntarily, not just because some paparazzi caught them at the beach or at the A & P on a bad day. 

Voluntarily human celebrities. 

How revolutionary is that?

The Thin, White Oprah

Not getting enough diet, exercise, and shopping advice from Oprah? Well, I've got some awesome news for you. Gwyneth Paltrow has a website called GOOP, where she passes along her own brand of well-bred, insanely-wealthy, tall skinny girl wisdom down to us, the common folk, so we too can "nourish the inner aspect", just like our girl Gwyneth does. 

This website is so RICH with blog fodder, I struggled to decide where to begin. Her recommendations for cashmere coat shopping? Her must-see's for the next time I cross the pond? No. After much consideration, I've made up my mind to start out strong: Today I'll be blogging about Gwyneth's colon.

G overdid it a bit over the 'days and needs to lose a few ounces, so she's letting us all in on the secrets of her post-Christmas colonic cleansing plan. She shares a few smoothie recipes, etc. Here's my fave...

The Blueberry Almond Smoothie

It looks like someone kicked the snow cinders from the wheel wells of my car, melted them down, and poured them into a glass. It might taste delightful, for all I know, but I can't get past the visual. Sorry, G.

She also has some advice in case your "bowel movements have become sluggish": castor oil. A half a cup of castor oil. (Yikes!) 

I'm of the post-castor oil generation, but on Little House on the Prairie when they brought the elixir out, I recall that Half-Pint was given it by the teaspoon. Chugging half a cup of it down sounds like something one should do only after telling the boss you won't be in for a few days and investing in some rubber sheets, which they did not have on the prairie. Times were tough back then. 

I figured the only way to find out whether it was a typo (or if G is out of her tall, skinny mind) was to do some research about this old-timey laxative on the internets. I'm going to spare you the gory details, but I feel I'd be remiss if I didn't share this with you ...

My Top Five Band Names 

Inspired by Actual Phrases I Came Across 

While Doing Laxative Research 

Because of Gwyneth Paltrow

1.  Total Colonic Evacuation (80's hair metal tribute)

2.  Pelvic Congestion (lipstick punk)

3.  Neurologic Constipation (emo)

4.  Colonic Motor Response (speed metal)

5.  Violent Purgation (Christian rock)

The information about castor oil that was provided by actual doctors and pharmacists all agreed that it should be used rarely because of potential toxicity. If it is used at all, the adult dosage is no more than three teaspoons a day. 

But the cashmere coat she recommends is GORGEOUS!