I'll Have What She's Having

I'll never be a runner.
This is a fact I know about myself.

I've always blamed my lack of compatibility with running on my bad ankles.
And my distaste for being too warm.
Oh, and the pain;
I don't much care for the pain.
All of which are pretty good reasons for not running, but, as I recently discovered, these are not the real reasons why I cannot run.

Running, it turns out, makes me talk dirty.
Loudly.
And that's just not the sort of thing I can be doing around the neighborhood - in front of impressionable children and small animals.

I discovered my dirty, dirty runner's mouth thanks to my winter workouts with the Wii. Feeling all amped up and immortal after my forays into expert mode virtual boxing and rhythm parade (What?! It's a sport! Kinda.), I decided to give running a virtual whirl.

And it didn't kill me.
And I liked that it didn't kill me.
So I did it again.
Eventually, I got so full of my virtual runner self that I clicked on the RUN (LONG) icon on the screen.

I maintained a good pace and kept up with my Mii guide through the trail.
About halfway through, I started to realize that this long run was - spoiler alert! - longer and more difficult than the short runs had been.

To keep myself motivated (because I'm far too stubborn to just quit), I started yelling.
To myself.
Cheering myself on, I guess.

As I neared the virtual finish line, I realized what I'd been saying and how, um, wrong it sounded -

Yes!
That's it!
Keep going!
Do it! Do it!
You're almost there!
Uh-huh!
Keep it up!
That's right!
Yesssss!

Oh, and the big sigh of relief at the end did not help matters much either.

I cannot take this show on the open road.
Whatever would the neighbors think?!
One minute I'd be running along the lakeshore, then the going would get tough, and I'd turn into Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.

I like my neighborhood, and I don't want to have to move.

And that's why I'll never be a runner.
Really.

And I Quote

Yes, I teach at a midwestern middle school.

Among all the other glorious craziness that comes with working with adolescents is the need for constant vigilance to make sure their t-shirts are appropriate.

Since I've been teaching for quite a few years, I've weathered the "Co-Ed Naked" years, the "Big Johnson" craze, and even the hoopla that was "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy".

I've awkwardly explained to a naive twelve-year old girl what her "Co-Ed Nighttime Football Practice: Bring Your Own Equipment" shirt referred to, and one of my female colleagues once had to educate a sixth grade ESL student as to what exactly his "Beavers" shirt was talking about. (He didn't believe her and sweetly insisted, "No, it's an animal.")

My most recent discussion was with a seventh grade boy wearing a "Check Out My Stimulus Package" t-shirt. At least it was timely. And perhaps indicated that he watches the news.

We all roll our eyes and vent, "Why do their parents let them wear these things?! I would never let my kid walk around in that!"

But maybe we need to take a little of the blame in this.

My evidence -

A List of Songs with Inappropriate Lyrics That Have Been Played School-Wide on Our  "Wake Up, Wakefield"-esque Show and Were Probably Chosen by the Adult Supervising the Program

1. AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long"

She was a fast machine

She kept her motor clean

She was the best damn woman that I ever seen

She had the sightless eyes

Telling me no lies

Knockin' me out with those American thighs

Yes, that's the part of the song they played. 

I stood in my darkened homeroom, mouth agape in disbelief as it blared through the speakers.

And I'm not even a prude or anything.

2.  Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me"
Step inside, walk this way

You and me babe, Hey, hey!

Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on

Livin' like a lover with a radar phone

Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp

Demolition woman, can I be your man?

Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light

Television lover, baby, go all night

Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet

Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah.

Another classic for the twelve-year old set, yes?

And a great opportunity to discuss metaphor as well.

Jolly good!

3.  Semisonic's "Closing Time"

Okay, it was on the last day of school, so I get why the song was chosen, and I can even overlook the "finish your whiskey or beer" part since I LOVE this band, but it was a bit disconcerting to hear the kids strolling out of homeroom singing, "I know who I want to take me home..." Just felt wrong, yanno.

4. Naughty By Nature's "O.P.P."

Don't panic. 

We didn't listen to the actual song for this one. 

It was a bus safety video that was desperately trying to be hip by having rap music in it. 

Seriously.

They sang, "You down with bus safety? Yeah, you know me!" over and over while I died in the back of my classroom.

At the time, I don't think there was a dirtier song out there.

Still, they chose it.

I do kinda love that guys from Naughty By Nature got royalty checks for an educational video, though. 

Japanese McDonald's Active Kids Milk Carton Puzzle

Check out the puzzle on the Ronald McDonald milk carton below.

It's meant for kids, so it's a pretty easy one to solve.

But isn't one of the answers a type of, ahem, activity you really wouldn't want to encourage your kids to participate in?

What My Dog's Body Language Tells Me When I'm Grooming Him

When I'm brushing his back: "Oh, you're petting me with the brush again. I'm going to stand here majestically like a good boy, glancing over my shoulder at you from time to time so you can appreciate my sweet, soulful eyes."

When I'm brushing the top of his head, right between the ears: "I don't like when you tug at those tangles behind my left ear, but as long as you pause now and then to pet me and tell me I'm good, I'll put up with it. I might need to take a shake-my-head break every few minutes, though, okay?"

When I'm brushing his ruff: "Remember that episode of America's Next Top Model when Tyra Banks showed how to hold your head up and look like you're standing in front of a fan when you aren't? Well, I was paying attention to that part, and I'm doing it right now. Cool, huh?"

When I'm brushing his paws: "Don't touch those. No, give that back. Ick. Ick. Ick."

When I'm brushing his legs: "I don't like this, but it's better than the paws, so I'm just going to look peeved at you every thirty seconds or so. Work quickly."

When I'm brushing his butt: "I'm going to give you about ten seconds of awkward gluteal clenching in recognition of the fact that you feed me and stuff. Then I'm out of here, lady."

Titular

Now, a lot of people make fun of Sex and the City for its overuse of the pun. 

I for one appreciate a clever play on words and like the fact that, having seen all the episodes numerous times, I can immediately set myself in the right frame of mind (comic, tragic, poignant, etc.) for any episode as soon as the theme song winds down and those white, lowercase letters appear against the black screen.

I find that as I'm trying to come up with the title for a new blog, I often click into SATC pun mode. It gets the job done. And I'm usually pleased with the results. 

Here are, in no particular order, my ten favorite Sex and the City episode titles:

•  "The Fuck Buddy" - Yes, blunt is beautiful.

•  "Are We Sluts?" - I love that they dared to ask the question that pretty much everyone with HBO was asking about these women. 

•  "Belles of the Balls" - A pun with bonus clever points for linking to all four stories. (Trey gets his sperm analyzed, Steve gets testicular cancer, Samantha gets hired because Richard "admires her balls", and Aidan and Big duke it out playing basketball in the mud.)

•  "I Love a Charade" - Again, a pun. And Nathan Lane getting married? To a woman? Priceless.

•  "A Woman's Right to Shoes" - It seemed like just another clever pun at first, but, after watching the episode, you realize that it really IS about the choices me make. Bonus points for surprising me with that one. And for making me wish I'd registered at Manolo Blahnik when I got married. 

•  "The Post-It Always Sticks Twice" - The second I see these words, I think I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me. And then I curse the name Jack Berger. 

•  "Change of a Dress" - More fun with puns. And that scene with Carrie and Aidan in front of the fountain? Heartbreaking!

•  "Politically Erect" - Blunt AND a pun. More bonus clever points!

•  "Running with Scissors" - I love this one because it suits the episode so beautifully. Everyone's mom warned them not to do foolish, dangerous things, and this is the episode that shows us why.

•  "One" - Simple and clever. It's about Brady's first birthday and Miranda's realization that Steve is, in fact, the one. It's also one of my favorite episodes, which for some bizarre reason On Demand tends to skip. Every time I see that this one's an option, I get all happy. 

And Then I Laugh at His Pain

My Ants in the Pants skills are steadily improving, 

but about half my shots still hit that poor firehouse dog 

right in his plastic crotch.