My New Love

I have found my latest passion/obsession. It's a little show on the DIY network called Renovation Realities. The premise is that they find some couple - usually a husband a wife, though I did see one AMAZING mother and son duo - who have renovation ambitions that extend far beyond their knowledge, skill level, time limitations, and budget. But these intrepid duos take on their home improvement projects anyway, and, thanks to a camera crew, we get to see every delicious moment of it. 

Each episode begins with a voiceover saying, "The renovation you are about to see is real." Then the words, in stark white across a black screen, come up: sometimes getting from the "before" to the "after" can be a real bitch. That pretty much sets the tone for the show. (It reminds me of those horrible movies they showed us in driver's ed. to scare us into behaving behind the wheel, except this time they're making us think twice before setting off to install ceramic tile.)

The people are usually confident bordering on smug at the beginning. They talk about how they're going to redo their entire kitchen in three days on a $3,000 budget or build a mammoth deck in two days for $1,500. It soon becomes obvious that they've done zero homework/preparation; they haven't measured the space, priced out supplies, done any research online or in books, or even started moving furniture out of the way. 

Since they start with the confidence that only the truly ignorant possess, watching their struggle is massively-entertaining and shockingly-similar to viewing a Greek morality play. I keep waiting for the chorus to show up.

Some great moments I've seen so far:

• the twentysomething guy screaming, "It burns, Ma! Get the hose!" in his wicked thick Boston accent after he dumped a gallon of paint stripper all over himself.

• the couple who had an estimated 50,000 bees who lived in a massive hive under their back steps (They called in a lady who, I swear I'm not making this up, "relocates and rehabilitates honeybees from the wild".)

• a woman's horror at having to use a chemical toilet out in the yard for five days while the old bathroom was out of commission. (She was mortified that the neighbors would know that she was peeing. I assume my neighbors are savvy enough to already know that I do that.)

• the wife who blubbered to her husband, "I'm just a woman. I can't do hard stuff like this."

They drop things.

They never measure correctly.

They don't buy enough materials.

They suffer from sleep deprivation.

The wife cries.

One or both of them questions why they ever got married.

They end up calling in a pro.

And, after spending an enormous sum of cash, their project is miraculously completed.

Then they hug and talk about how proud of themselves they are.

Being on the camera crew for this show must take enormous restraint. How hard must it be to not roll your eyes or let out an "uh-oh" as you see these folks doing such stupid, stupid things? I couldn't do it. I'd drop the camera and double over in laughter or run to call 911 at least twice each episode. My theory: most of their camera crew have worked in combat zones in the past. How else could they stay so calm in such extreme conditions?

The fights and foibles these renovators go through make for some damned compelling TV. And each episode is just jam-packed with life lessons: Know your limitations. Start small. Set realistic goals. Do your homework. Measure twice; cut once. If you don't know, ask - even if you are a man. 

Honestly, if it weren't for all the swearing, I'd recommend they show this program in middle-school math classes across the nation.