I write this blog as a public service for all you undecided voters out there.
The decision as to which mass-produced, made-to-order holiday coffee to purchase is not one to be entered into lightly or without first getting to know the candidates.
Our first candidate, representing Starbucks...
The Peppermint Mocha Twist
My diligent research has revealed that this coffee combines... "Starbucks espresso with bittersweet chocolate, bright peppermint flavor, and creamy steamed milk. It is finished with freshly made peppermint whipped cream and dark chocolate curls on top."
A grande Peppermint Mocha Twist has 15 grams of fat and 50 grams of sugar. It also contains 175 mg. of caffeine, just about enough to get you through Target on the Saturday before Christmas, I guess.
I'm not completely sure what grande means. The Starbucks sizing nomenclature has always thrown me. I think it's supposed to make you think you're in Europe or something. I've found that if you order a Starbucks using a gauche term, such as medium, their baristas will gladly correct you in an exceedingly-polite manner. Ditto if you make the gaffe of asking for skim milk; at Starbucks it's called nonfat.
The dark chocolate curls are a nice touch, and I like that their steamed milk is "creamy". Some folks go nonfat with the milk on this; it's a personal choice, but realize that it will diminish the creamy factor in your beverage by doing so. You've been warned.
And representing Caribou ...
The Ho Ho Mint Mocha
(Yes, they actually expect you to say that when you order one.)
A medium Ho Ho Mint Mocha has 12 grams of fat and 75 grams of sugar. The Caribou website assures one that this beverage is, indeed, "a minty way to prepare for walking 'neath the mistletoe." The more typical way to prepare is, I believe, to scan the room and make sure no one creepy is lurking around, which is smart, but lacks mintiness.
The crushed candy cane topping is a jolly twist, but the name is, for me, a barrier to ordering one. You could just ask for "one of those mint holiday lattes, please" and hope for the best, but they're going to be totally on to you. If your luck is bad and you get a smart-aleck barista, she might shame you into saying it anyway. That's a risk you'll have to take, I guess.
The battle of the holiday-themed lattes comes down to the classic Clash of the Christmas Titans: fanciness vs. holly-jollity.
Starbucks wins hands-down on fanciness with their chocolate shavings and peppermint whipped cream; it's the more upscale, sophisticated option. You could order this drink in front of your boss or judgmental mother-in-law and not look like a big loser goofball.
Caribou, on the other hand, is all about the jolly. Its peppermint topping and silly name have the same appeal to me an adult that a trip to the department store candy counter did when I was a kid. Everything about it says, "This is a treat."
The choice is yours, America.
Cast your vote(s).
