This website is so RICH with blog fodder, I struggled to decide where to begin. Her recommendations for cashmere coat shopping? Her must-see's for the next time I cross the pond? No. After much consideration, I've made up my mind to start out strong: Today I'll be blogging about Gwyneth's colon.
G overdid it a bit over the 'days and needs to lose a few ounces, so she's letting us all in on the secrets of her post-Christmas colonic cleansing plan. She shares a few smoothie recipes, etc. Here's my fave...
The Blueberry Almond Smoothie
It looks like someone kicked the snow cinders from the wheel wells of my car, melted them down, and poured them into a glass. It might taste delightful, for all I know, but I can't get past the visual. Sorry, G.
She also has some advice in case your "bowel movements have become sluggish": castor oil. A half a cup of castor oil. (Yikes!)
I'm of the post-castor oil generation, but on Little House on the Prairie when they brought the elixir out, I recall that Half-Pint was given it by the teaspoon. Chugging half a cup of it down sounds like something one should do only after telling the boss you won't be in for a few days and investing in some rubber sheets, which they did not have on the prairie. Times were tough back then.
I figured the only way to find out whether it was a typo (or if G is out of her tall, skinny mind) was to do some research about this old-timey laxative on the internets. I'm going to spare you the gory details, but I feel I'd be remiss if I didn't share this with you ...
My Top Five Band Names
Inspired by Actual Phrases I Came Across
While Doing Laxative Research
Because of Gwyneth Paltrow
1. Total Colonic Evacuation (80's hair metal tribute)
2. Pelvic Congestion (lipstick punk)
3. Neurologic Constipation (emo)
4. Colonic Motor Response (speed metal)
5. Violent Purgation (Christian rock)
The information about castor oil that was provided by actual doctors and pharmacists all agreed that it should be used rarely because of potential toxicity. If it is used at all, the adult dosage is no more than three teaspoons a day.
But the cashmere coat she recommends is GORGEOUS!
5 comments:
When I first saw the words "castor oil," I thought uh-oh. Castor oil is one of the magic elixers that has the ability to send people into labor. I remember because I was considering it when I was two weeks late with my ten pound baby. If castor oil has enough kick in it to throw your body into such spasms that it is able to push out a human being, no wonder it helps Gwyneth stay so skinny!
January 8, 2009 at 5:56 PMyour best work!
January 8, 2009 at 10:01 PMthe word verification thing below is 'stoolo' - that just serves to keep the laughter going.
mayhaps Stoolo could be a popular Euro band making their American debut on Leno?
First your blog inspired me to rant about GOOP as well.
January 10, 2009 at 10:04 AMSecond what do you mean Commies are mean? All my Communist friends are quite kind. You also have a lovely picture of my fav ex-dictator, but I don't think he would approve of the caption either.
I think with this reply and my entry "names I like to say" it is now official that I will never be able to run for any kind of public office.
Oh well.
McQ
I put Fidel up there as a tribute to McQ.
January 10, 2009 at 2:56 PMAs you know, all my experiences with Communists have been nothing but cordial.
Now I gotta find a good Stalin pic to post ...
What a wonderful tribute. Thank you. I am looking for a Che for my site.
January 10, 2009 at 3:26 PMMcQ
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