The Thin, White Oprah

Not getting enough diet, exercise, and shopping advice from Oprah? Well, I've got some awesome news for you. Gwyneth Paltrow has a website called GOOP, where she passes along her own brand of well-bred, insanely-wealthy, tall skinny girl wisdom down to us, the common folk, so we too can "nourish the inner aspect", just like our girl Gwyneth does. 

This website is so RICH with blog fodder, I struggled to decide where to begin. Her recommendations for cashmere coat shopping? Her must-see's for the next time I cross the pond? No. After much consideration, I've made up my mind to start out strong: Today I'll be blogging about Gwyneth's colon.

G overdid it a bit over the 'days and needs to lose a few ounces, so she's letting us all in on the secrets of her post-Christmas colonic cleansing plan. She shares a few smoothie recipes, etc. Here's my fave...

The Blueberry Almond Smoothie

It looks like someone kicked the snow cinders from the wheel wells of my car, melted them down, and poured them into a glass. It might taste delightful, for all I know, but I can't get past the visual. Sorry, G.

She also has some advice in case your "bowel movements have become sluggish": castor oil. A half a cup of castor oil. (Yikes!) 

I'm of the post-castor oil generation, but on Little House on the Prairie when they brought the elixir out, I recall that Half-Pint was given it by the teaspoon. Chugging half a cup of it down sounds like something one should do only after telling the boss you won't be in for a few days and investing in some rubber sheets, which they did not have on the prairie. Times were tough back then. 

I figured the only way to find out whether it was a typo (or if G is out of her tall, skinny mind) was to do some research about this old-timey laxative on the internets. I'm going to spare you the gory details, but I feel I'd be remiss if I didn't share this with you ...

My Top Five Band Names 

Inspired by Actual Phrases I Came Across 

While Doing Laxative Research 

Because of Gwyneth Paltrow

1.  Total Colonic Evacuation (80's hair metal tribute)

2.  Pelvic Congestion (lipstick punk)

3.  Neurologic Constipation (emo)

4.  Colonic Motor Response (speed metal)

5.  Violent Purgation (Christian rock)

The information about castor oil that was provided by actual doctors and pharmacists all agreed that it should be used rarely because of potential toxicity. If it is used at all, the adult dosage is no more than three teaspoons a day. 

But the cashmere coat she recommends is GORGEOUS!