Skills

As I drive to work in the morning, I often see people out going for walks by the lake, jogging, biking, etc. (One lady in our neighborhood has a bunch of exercise videos, one of those yoga ball things, a picture window, a big screen TV, and great devotion to working out at 7 AM. What she lacks, however, are drapes.) 

Anyhow, as I look as these people, I often think that if it weren't for the fact that I have to go to work, I'd be spending glorious, morning hours engaging in these same healthy activities - except I'd have drapes, of course. 

Yes, I'd get up early, have a nutritious meal (eaten at a leisurely pace), read the paper in its entirety, and then slip into something spandex and head out to fill my lungs with the refreshing air of the sunrise hours. That's precisely what my life would look like if it weren't for the whole gainful employment thing bringin' me down. 

I started spring break with the ambition of slipping into such a life for one amazing week. (It should be noted that I start ALL spring breaks this way. And winter breaks. And summer vacation, for that matter.) I imagined myself starting my days with exercise and filling the remaining hours reading great books, tackling enormous home remodeling projects, and treating myself to the occasional well-earned nap. Things didn't really pan out that way, though. 

Now, as my break nears its end, I'm left to ask: What the hell did I DO all week? What did I accomplish? The best way I can think of to explain how I've wiled away the hours this week is by offering you a newly-updated edition of my slacker resume:

Resume of a Slacker

Objectives: to secure a position in which I can utilize my slacker skills, to continue to learn and grow as a slacker

Education:  

Master of Arts in Reality Television Viewing

Bravo! University

majors: Top Chef, Real Housewives, and Project Runway

minors: Millionaire Matchmaker and Make Me a Supermodel

(Additional coursework completed at hulu U.)

Bachelor of Arts in Magazine Reading

Conde Nast College

majors: Reading periodicals that encourage me to eat better, exercise, be smart, and self-actualize (Health, Mental Floss, and O) while eating salty, crunchy snacks and wiping fake cheese-covered hands on sofa cushions. 

minor: mindlessly reading blogs & online entertainment "news", particularly those pertaining to Gwyneth Paltrow and GOOP backlash

Bachelor of Science in Junk Food Preparation and Consumption

Minnesota Institute of Processed Meats and Cheeses

graduated summa cum laude

Career Highlights

•  Fell asleep during third episode of America's Next Top Model marathon after eating a hot dog and some brownies. Woke with face in puddle of drool on arm and shirt. Opted not to change into clean shirt.

•  Reacted to discovery of dog poop on family room floor by saying, "Well, I guess I don't need to take him out again for a few hours."

• Only changed out of pajama bottoms to drop daughter up at daycare at 7 AM and pick her up at 4 PM. Cursed societal demand that I put on pants when leaving the house.

• Brought bag containing "homework" reading assignment into the house on Wednesday. Have stepped over it repeatedly in the entryway every day since.

• Took pillow cases off bed to launder. Threw extra blanket over "naked" pillows to avoid hassle of re-casing them. Have slept like a baby that way since Thursday.

Specialized Knowledge and Training

•  Able to identify healthy bowel movement due to random channel-flip to Tyra Banks Show. (What WON'T that woman talk about?!)

•  Can turn toddler into Wonder Pets! addict with steady supply of DVD's, chicken nuggets, saltine crackers, and apple juice.  

•  Can kill two hours by creating own SNL Shorts Film Festival on hulu.

• Can kill even more time writing blog about what a slacker I am while avoiding laundry, dirty dishes, and homework.