I'm So Vain: I've Totally Deluded Myself Into Thinking These Songs Are About Me

"Secret Garden" by Bruce Springsteen

I love that Bruce gets what a complicated, multi-faceted woman I am. We could spend a lifetime together, and he'd still find new and wonderful things to discover about me every day. I'll always be a bit enigmatic to him, but Bruce is all about the journey of discovery. God, I dig that about him. What could be more tiresome than a guy who thinks he's got you all figured out?

"Your Song" by Elton John

Okay, so I know there's a lot of evidence to suggest that he actually wrote this song about another man, but I don't care. I also don't care that he can't remember whether my eyes are green or blue. Details. Details. His gift is his song, and this one's for me. (And they're green, Elton. Green.)

"Closer to You" by the Wallflowers

True, Jakob Dylan and I have never actually met, yet he feels drawn ever closer to me by the gravitational force field that is our love. I am THAT kind of powerful. Nice of him to acknowledge it publicly.

"Wonderwall" as covered by Ryan Adams

So, I'm not 100% clear on what the lyrics actually mean, but when his voice breaks just a bit and he does that overwhelmed-by-the-power-of-what-he's-feeling thing, I sense that he really NEEDS me. And I'm gonna be the one that saves him. Maybe.

"Act Naturally" by Semisonic

Dan Wilson and I have this tacit understanding thing going on. He knows I love him. I know he loves me. It would all just get SO complicated if everybody else were to find out, so we're just letting it be our little secret. Of course, John Munson and I have a similar agreement. Don't tell Dan, 'kay?

"Keepin' in Real" by Mason Jennings

I'm so convinced this song's about me that I actually blush every time I hear it. Shucks, Mason, I'm sweet on you too.

"Tupelo Honey" by Van Morrison

Normally, calling me an angel would get you little more than a roll of the eyes from me, but Van goes the extra mile and says that I am one "of the first degree." And I know for certain this song is his apology to me for the whole "Brown-Eyed Girl" thing. They're green, Van. Green. 

"Something in the Way She Moves" by James Taylor

I'm under JT's spell for about three stanzas of this one. Really, all I have to do is call your name, and the whole big, bad troubled world gets left behind? That is so sweet, James. (See, I just made him go all weak in the knees when I called him "James" like that.)  

However, what's this business in the second half  - about not really caring what I say, how I think, or where I've been? Am I just a bunch of pretty-sounding, empty words to you, James?! Um, there's a whole line of guys ahead of you writing songs about me, and most of them are totally heterosexual and stuff. You're gonna have to step up your game, James, 'cause I heard John Mayer's workin' on a little ditty for me right this very minute.