It's So Over

I don't get as worked up about Christmas as other folks do. I don't spend hours/days/weeks setting up a snow village and Santa Claus collection in the living room. I don't spend a lot of money on gifts. And I don't wake up Christmas morning filled with boundless excitement. (I just wake up wanting a bowl of Cheerios.)

Still, every year when Christmas is over, I feel a bit as if I've just broken up with someone. There's been this presence in my life over the last few weeks; we had fun, shared some laughs, watched a few movies together, blah, blah, blah...

And now it's over. 

It was a month of seduction that led up to, essentially, a one-night stand.

I once read where someone described being in love as finding that person who made all the songs on the radio make sense. That's why true friends keep you FAR from the radio when you're in a post-break up torpor. 

In the spirit of break ups and music, I present to you my notes on the (brief iTunes samples of) various covers of the closest thing to a Christmas break-up song I can think of: Joni Mitchell's "River".

A sampling of the lyrics for those unfamiliar:

It's comin' on Christmas.

They're cuttin' down trees.

They're puttin' up reindeer

and singin' songs of joy and peace.

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on.

But it don't snow here.

It stays pretty green.

I'm gonna make a lot of money

then I'm gonna quit this crazy scene.

I wish I had a river

I could skate away on.

I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly.

Oh, I wish I had a river

I could skate away on.

I made my baby cry.

Gorgeous, isn't it? Let's check in on who sings it ...

Joni Mitchell: Perfection. Just her sweet, simple voice, a piano, and those lyrics. It is the gold standard on this one.

Sarah McLachlan: She has a gorgeous voice but makes the mistake of just trying too hard. And is that a string section I hear? Say it ain't so!

James Taylor: He takes liberties with the tempo and melody. I love him when he's doing his own stuff but am troubled by how he gives other people's songs The James Taylor Treatment®. (Interesting, as he just did a whole CD of covers.)

Sara Bareilles: Respects the simplicity of the song. Lets the lyrics take center stage. If you can't get your mitts on the Joni Mitchell version, this would be a palatable substitute. Still, why buy Hydrox when the Oreos are right there?

Vonda Shepard: She is feeling great emotion and wants you to know all about it!!! It's a duet too, which doesn't make a lick of sense if you actually think about the lyrics for, um, ten seconds or so. (Man, we were all so whipped up in such an Ally McBeal frenzy back then, we'd listen to just about anything, wouldn't we? That skinny lawyer girl show had some serious voodoo power stuff behind it.)

Sister Hazel: Thanks for keeping it simple with the piano, guys, but this song demands a voice that sounds like it hasn't been hittin' the Marbs quite so hard.

Boney James: A smooth jazz rendition with no vocals. It sucks, and his name is Boney. Seriously, I only included this one so you could giggle at his name. And I know that you did.

Barry Manilow: So ill-suited for him, but it's an odd bit of joy to hear him sing with such emotion about this "crAAAzy scene". And he brings new dimensions to the "he loved me so naughty made me weak in the knees" part. Fun for camp value, so it does serve a purpose, I guess.

Linda Ronstadt: God, I love her voice, but those strings make me want to stab myself in the eye with a fork.

My fantasy crooner to do a cover of "River": Mr. Willie Nelson. His voice is weathered but maintains a soulful simplicity that suits this song to a tee. (Ever heard his cover of Patsy Cline's "Crazy"? Sublime.)