So, This Is Christmas.

I only needed to read the horoscopes in this morning's paper to know that times are tough. The banks and big three automakers have tapped out most of Santa's funds, so there's bound to be some belt-tightening from the big guy this year. Set expectations for low as you approach your stocking this AM, kiddos.

Horoscopic Gleanings:

A five-star day is in store for all you Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius, and Aquarius folks out there. Even with all those stars, though, you'll need to ".. be willing to help others who simply don't handle stress as well as you" and "... recognize what is happening with a friend, and help ease this person's day". It's not going to be an easy ride for any of us. Better bring an extra box of tissues to the buffet, Compadre.

Virgos, Scorpios, and Capricorns only get three stars today. Our advice (I'm a Scorpio.) is to "... walk away from the concept of spending and presents", "... stay close to home", and "... be willing to not be ecstatic, but simply mellow". (Not really a bad approach to most days, don't you think?) At least we know our five-star friends will be there to give us a shoulder to cry on, if the need arises.

According to our horoscopes, this is how Christmas will shake down for my family: Mom, my daughter, and I will fall apart completely. We'll feel stressed and disappointed. Maybe Santa will bring Hostess fruitcakes and itchy wool sweaters for us. Or someone will bogart all the pecan pie before we even get to the dessert tray. We're going to need to make do with mellowness instead of ecstasy this year.

Meanwhile, my father, brother, and husband will all be standing strong with five stars. Their gifts will rock. Their pie will still be warm. Through the power of planetary alignment, they will be able to console the females in the family through this day.

The dog's a Pisces. Four stars. Could go either way for him. We'll see.